They say, with age comes wisdom. (Don’t believe it. I know plenty of stupid old people.) It’s also been said that the older you get, the more you realize you don’t know. (This is true. I’m so old that I don’t even know what I don’t know.) So here are a few random and surprising facts you may not have known that might make you a little wiser as you grow older. Or not.
(Note: Everything in uppercase is a documented fact. Everything in lower case is just me making shit up.)
THE WORD FOR THE FEAR OF LONG WORDS IS
The word for the man who came up with that word is “Asshole.”
ELVIS PRESLEY WAS JEWISH.
That’s right, the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll was a hunk, a hunk of burning Jew.
BARRY MANILOW DID NOT WRITE HIS HIT SONG “I WRITE THE SONGS.”
But he did write “Copacabana”, so I still hate him.
IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO SNEEZE WITH YOUR EYES OPEN.
Which is why every time I have a sneezing attack while I’m driving I’m sure I’m going to die in a car accident.
CHICAGO WAS NOT NAMED “THE WINDY CITY” BECAUSE OF ITS WEATHER. IT WAS MOST LIKELY BECAUSE ITS RESIDENTS WERE THOUGHT TO BE “WINDBAGS” OR “FULL OF HOT AIR.”
Considering that Jesse Jackson, Hillary Clinton and Kanye West are all from Chicago, I guess it’s true.
BEFORE THE TITANIC WAS EVEN BUILT, A FICTIONAL BOOK WAS WRITTEN ABOUT THE WORLD’S LARGEST SHIP THAT WAS CONSIDERED UNSINKABLE UNTIL IT HIT AN ICEBERG AND SANK. THAT SHIP WAS CALLED "THE TITAN."
That’s like someone in 1999 predicting that Matt Lauer, Charlie Rose and Bill Cosby would all be disgraced after being accused of being sexual predators. And Donald Trump would get elected president after admitting that he was one.
Sad, But True
IT IS ESTIMATED THAT 99% OF ALL THE SPECIES THAT EVER LIVED ON EARTH ARE NOW EXTINCT.
That sounds bad but would you really want velociraptors living in your neighborhood?
MILLENNIAL WOMEN IN AMERICA TODAY ARE WORSE OFF THAN THE BABY BOOM GENERATION. THEY ARE GENERALLY POORER, SHUT OUT OF HIGH PAYING TECHNOLOGY JOBS AND MORE LIKELY TO COMMIT SUICIDE.
And they do all that in heels.
OUTSIDE OF HOSPITALS, CPR ONLY WORKS ABOUT 2% OF THE TIME.
If that’s true, then please don’t ever try it on me. I don’t want any strangers giving me mouth-to-mouth. Unless they’re attractive women. Then I’ll try it.
IN THE U.S. THERE ARE MORE EMPTY HOUSES THAN HOMELESS PEOPLE.
I have an idea -- give them all the keys!!!
THE U.S. IS THE FATTEST DEVELOPED NATION IN THE WORLD.
We should change our country’s motto from “In God We Trust” to “If You Can Eat It, We Can Deep Fry It.”
THE U.S. RANKS 29th IN EDUCATION AROUND THE WORLD.
Which explains why we still think we’re the greatest country in the world.
Stop! You’re Killing Me
WOMEN ARE THREE TIMES MORE LIKELY TO ATTEMPT SUICIDE BUT MEN ARE THREE TIMES MORE LIKELY TO DIE FROM SUICIDE.
Ha! So men are better than women at something.
MORE AMERICAN SOLDIERS DIE FROM SUICIDE THAN IN COMBAT.
I never see that fact in any of those army recruitment commercials.
PEOPLE WHO EAT FRIED POTATOES TWO OR MORE TIMES A WEEK DOUBLE THEIR RISK OF A HEART ATTACK.
Which means that chili-fries should probably be registered as a lethal weapon.
PEOPLE ARE MORE LIKELY TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK ON CHRISTMAS EVE THAN ANY OTHER TIME OF THE YEAR.
Which is another reason I’m glad I’m Jewish.
AROUND 10,000 PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK DIE EVERY DAY, LEADING TO MORE THAN 30 MILLION PROFILES WITHOUT A LIVING OWNER.
Which explains why I have over 30 million Facebook "friends."
THE LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH IN AMERICA TODAY FOR PEOPLE UNDER 50 IS OPIOID ABUSE.
But don’t worry, Jared Kushner is heading the President’s Commission on “Combating Drug Addiction and the Opioid Crisis.” Which I’m sure he’ll solve right after his other assignments to reform veteran’s care, establish peace in the middle east and find proof that unicorns are real.
No Surprise There
PEOPLE IN THE BIBLE BELT WATCH MORE GAY PORN THAN ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE NATION.
Maybe so, but their gay-pride parades are the worst.
FLORIDA HAS THE HIGHEST PUBLIC MASTURBATION RATE THAN ALL OTHER STATES COMBINED.
If you’ve ever been to Florida, this fact does not surprise you.
84% OF AMERICAN VEGETARIANS GO BACK TO EATING MEAT.
Have you tried Tofurkey?
MOST MILLENNIALS DON’T THINK THEY REACH ADULTHOOD UNTIL THEY’RE 30, AND 30% OF THEM STILL LIVE WITH THEIR PARENTS.
Remember when we used to say “Don’t trust anyone over 30”? Well now I don’t trust anyone under 30.
50% OF ALL LOST REMOTE CONTROLS ARE FOUND IN COUCH CUSHIONS, 4% ARE IN THE FRIDGE OR FREEZER AND 2% TURN UP SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE.
I found mine up my butt. Which explained why every time I farted the channel changed.
SMART PEOPLE CURSE MORE.
I fucking knew that.
You Gotta Be Kidding
IN 1979, A WOMAN JUMPED OFF THE 86th FLOOR OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING AND LIVED. THE HIGH WINDS BLEW HER BACK ONTO THE LEDGE ONE FLOOR BELOW.
The funny part is that on her way home after that she got hit by a bus.
IN A 2017 UNDERCOVER TEST, THE TSA FAILED 80% OF THE TIME.
But at least nobody’s getting on planes with too much shampoo.
80% OF U.S. CURRENCY HAS COCAINE ON IT.
It should be noted that 60% of that money once belonged to Keith Richards.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS “ISLAND” OF DEBRIS IN THE PACIFIC OCEAN THAT'S TWICE THE SIZE OF TEXAS.
The irony is that it's mostly made up of plastic recycling bins.
IN 2017, 24% OF AMERICANS BELIEVED “THE BIBLE IS THE ACTUAL WORD OF GOD AND IS TO BE TAKEN LITERALLY.”
As long as a quarter of our country believes this, I believe there is no hope for our country.
THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION SENT OVER 12 BILLION DOLLARS IN CASH TO IRAQ…AND LOST IT.
And I’m sure Dick Cheney has no idea where it is.
IN 2000, THERE WERE 4 MILLION AMERICANS OVER 85.
BY 2050 THERE WILL BE 19 MILLION.
And that’s when we’re taking over.
Bill Gates once said, “You don’t really start getting old until you stop learning.” So now that you’ve just learned a few things, I’ve kept you young for another day. You’re welcome.
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